Whatever you are, whatever you think

You get everybody so damn curious

With that cold stare,

Yeah, your precious ‘style’

I don’t know I’m on my fate

Or it’s all just God’s kindness

For my stupid wishes He always answers,

To keep you around

I was a fool,

And you were a bastard

PERFECT match

Yeah, nothing even ‘more’ perfect

I do hate you,

No, I think I supposed to hate you

But I couldn’t resist, I care too much

You’re cool,

You’re nice,

You care,

You make everybody comfortable,

Yes, it’s you

And I’m freak

I’m embarrassing

Or whatever I don’t even care

Because I’m not pretending

This is me

Why, why, why,

All the shitty questions

How hard I tried to shoo them away,

They’re back

I don’t know what’s on your mind,

When you stay away from your friends,

Who was playing together or whatever I don’t care

For a little while,

And doing something, alone, in silence

I keep my eyes on you

I don’t even know

Why I’m just too stupid

You’re cool,

You’re nice,

You care,

You make everybody comfortable,

Yeah because it’s just you

I like to hear you laugh,

Or hear you argue with your friends in the corner

Though those things bring me to memories

I wish I could forget

But I like to see your serious face as well

Or those cold eyes,

Well, I guess you’ve got me going crazy

I know you don’t even care

I am exist

I wish I could do the same

I don’t know I’m on my fate

Or it’s all just God’s kindness

For my stupid wishes He always answers,

To keep you around

Cause if so,

Time is nearly up

I thank God for keep you on my eyes

Whatever you think,
or Whatever you do.
how I can't help wondering in my mind

oh, pity me.

"........."

I think I have a serious problem in appreciating my self. Minder, may be you’ve ever felt the same way? It’s when you feel low, feel that everything you do is not even worth to be listened or seen, or think that everyone else does better than you.

It’s easy to me thinking that way with these environments, especially when I have a brilliant only elder sister.

She can do anything, perfect in both math and science, not bad in sports, and damn good in playing electone. My mom and dad really fond of her playing, and the songs my sis has ever learned are their favorite songs. Just perfect, right?

And me?

Geez, I only could play piano a little. Well, I stopped directly when I’ve passed level one. My family moved here from Bogor. After that, I never get any piano course anymore. The course just too far from my lovely house. Can I make it anymore obvious?

But that’s not the problem, actually.

I did, long ago still believe that I‘m lucky, have such a skill in play a music instrument. (At least I could play, couldn’t I?)

But I know. I just know. My parents aren’t too proud of me. But they are proud of my sis.

Everytime my sis play, any other sound must be off. They switch off TV, listen to my sis intensely while singing happily. And they tell anybody that my sis is good in playing electone, proudly. Continue with that “….her sister could play piano, but.. yeah, just a little. Not as good as her elder sis.”

Yeah, they’re just telling the truth, I shouldn’t be annoyed.

But sometimes I’m just pissed off, when my dad increase the volume of TV he watch when I play. Do I disturb him with my play? Yeah. I couldn’t play good. And I shouldn’t play either, then. Well, I stopped. Why do you bother keep doing something that you know, disturb somebody?

Then there, my mom keeps asking me play. Or questioned why I don’t join music club. I answered, being annoyed. “I couldn’t play. Why should I join?” and comes with “You could play, sweetie, I have put you on a course!” yeah, when? Let me see, 6 years ago? Ended on the beginning of level 2? Yeah, I must play good!

I was sick of it, so I tried hard so I could play some classic songs. It caught their attention, though. But just a while. Same songs everytimes I play are just boring, rite?

And today, I learned a new simple song from 6.30 to 9.30 am and play it in front of my parents, and they didn’t even notice I play.

Enough. It’s not their fault. It’s just me. I couldn’t play so they don’t pay attention.

I’ll just play for my self instead.