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I think I have a serious problem in appreciating my self. Minder, may be you’ve ever felt the same way? It’s when you feel low, feel that everything you do is not even worth to be listened or seen, or think that everyone else does better than you.

It’s easy to me thinking that way with these environments, especially when I have a brilliant only elder sister.

She can do anything, perfect in both math and science, not bad in sports, and damn good in playing electone. My mom and dad really fond of her playing, and the songs my sis has ever learned are their favorite songs. Just perfect, right?

And me?

Geez, I only could play piano a little. Well, I stopped directly when I’ve passed level one. My family moved here from Bogor. After that, I never get any piano course anymore. The course just too far from my lovely house. Can I make it anymore obvious?

But that’s not the problem, actually.

I did, long ago still believe that I‘m lucky, have such a skill in play a music instrument. (At least I could play, couldn’t I?)

But I know. I just know. My parents aren’t too proud of me. But they are proud of my sis.

Everytime my sis play, any other sound must be off. They switch off TV, listen to my sis intensely while singing happily. And they tell anybody that my sis is good in playing electone, proudly. Continue with that “….her sister could play piano, but.. yeah, just a little. Not as good as her elder sis.”

Yeah, they’re just telling the truth, I shouldn’t be annoyed.

But sometimes I’m just pissed off, when my dad increase the volume of TV he watch when I play. Do I disturb him with my play? Yeah. I couldn’t play good. And I shouldn’t play either, then. Well, I stopped. Why do you bother keep doing something that you know, disturb somebody?

Then there, my mom keeps asking me play. Or questioned why I don’t join music club. I answered, being annoyed. “I couldn’t play. Why should I join?” and comes with “You could play, sweetie, I have put you on a course!” yeah, when? Let me see, 6 years ago? Ended on the beginning of level 2? Yeah, I must play good!

I was sick of it, so I tried hard so I could play some classic songs. It caught their attention, though. But just a while. Same songs everytimes I play are just boring, rite?

And today, I learned a new simple song from 6.30 to 9.30 am and play it in front of my parents, and they didn’t even notice I play.

Enough. It’s not their fault. It’s just me. I couldn’t play so they don’t pay attention.

I’ll just play for my self instead.